Written by: Epicstu Wyyvernwriter

Victor hurried to Stu, he had something important to tell him. Something terrible and offal. A terribly offal important something. Round 1 had just concluded, and the Nekolich stood in the stands with regret on his face, “how could I have allowed this,” he thought. Wyyvern Weapons choose their Knights for love, but he had grown fearful of the coming calamity and felt them unworthy of each other. He had agreed with the Gods to a tournament to test his theory without considering the consequences. “Now I have created sadness and loss,” he could feel the pain in his Wyyvern Weapons’ hearts as he looked into the eyes of their lost wielders. Suddenly Victor used Stu’s shoulder to stop himself mid-sprint and took a moment to catch his breath. “Yes?” Stu inquired, “what is it?”

“Hold on,” Victor replied, still panting. “Unlike you, I am still living and have breath left to lose,” he panted. Stu raised an eyebrow and chuckled a little, “We’ve lost contact with Ilean,” Victor finally reported, and Stu’s smile flipped to a scowl, “and the Wyyvern of Life and Living Realms has gone after her.”

The Nekolich’s facial expression displayed fear, then it turned to anger, “where is my head of Security?”

“I smell him,” Victor said as the overwhelming scent of Marijuana filled the air.

“What do you need, Sir?” asked a voice.

“Find Satan and the two of you keep an eye on the Committer of 700 Deadly Sins while I am gone,” Stu replied.

Then the smell vanished completely without a trace, “how does he do that?” Victor questioned.

“He’s good at his job,” Stu replied, “now bring me my Wyyvern Knight of Time. Before we run out.”

*          *

“And we are back!” Woodsmann shouted, “here in New Valhalla with an epic turn around!”

“Where once the Knights were out numbered,” Mercedes began…

“Literally a hundred million to one,” Woodsmann whispered into the microphone.

“They now,” Mercedes continued, “out number the Gods.”

“That’s right folks,” Woodsmann took over. “In the beginning of round 1, there were 320,000,000 collective Gods and Goddesses and 32 total Knights fighting for the right to wield one or more of 29 Wyyvern Weapons.”

“Now there are 9 Wyyvern Gods, all Undead, and 23 Wyyvern Knights, some Living and some Undead,” Mercedes went on. “Here is our roster; Zesrial, Wyyvern Knight of Deceit and wielder of Hell, the Wyyvern Shieldwall of Deceit. Edward, Wyyvern Knight of Deceit and wielder of Heaven, the Wyyvern Blade of Deceit.”

“Have you ever seen such obvious protagonists’ plot armor?” Woodsmann asked rhetorically. “I mean, come on! Look at those two. She spams a friggin flash-bang with each attack she chains into with her lightning, and he is potentially the most powerful Living thing in the Multiverse. They must be nerfed.”

“Indeed, she is flashy and he is powerful” Mercedes replied, “however, the Wyyvernwriter’s point for this Season is to buff them.” Jaw dropped, Woodsmann was speechless. “Moving on with our roster,” Mercedes continued, “Brek Chesler, the Wyyvern Knight of Fire and wielder of Pyre, the Wyyvern Gauntlets of Fire.”

“Can buff Edward,” Woodsman coughed.

Mercedes continued, “Trace, the Wyyvern Knight of Madness and wielder of Q, the Wyyvern handgun of Madness.”

“Okay, so there are worse places to be than Heaven or Hell,” Woodsman commented. “Like eternal empty Madness.”

“Risen and Fallen, the Wyyvern Knight of Good and of Evil. Wielder of Holy, the Wyyvern Ax of Good, and of Corrupt, the Wyyvern Blade of Evil,” Mercedes continued.

Woodmann sighed, “is, no doubt, buffed by Edward and Zesrial.”

“Kale Agustus Pierre, the Wyyvern Knight of Food, wielder of Dutchess, the Wyyvern Cast Iron Pot of Food,” said Mercedes.

“Team’s gotta eat,” Woodsmann replied.

“Sullivan George Humphrey, the Wyyvern Knight of Peace, and wielder of Stella, the Wyyvern Shepard’s Staff of Peace.” Mercedes continued.

“Where was he all of Round 1?” asked Woodsmann.

“Fighting the FSM with Outlaws and Love,” Mercedes replied. “Amdeo Drai, the Wyyvern Knight of Love, wielder of Amy, the Wyyvern Bolt-action Rifle of Love” he paused, but his co-announcer said nothing. “Dennis Jedidiah Clanton, the Wyyvern Knight of Outlaws, wielder of Belle, the Wyyvern Six-String of Outlaws.”

“Oh…” Woodsmann finally understood. “That’s what you meant.”

Mercedes raised an eyebrow, “Rock, the Wyyvern Knight of Rock, wielder of Roll, the Wyyvern Stage of Rock.” Woodsmann air-guitared with much enthusiasm in response. “Satan, the Wyyvern Knight of Hell, wielder of Frozen and Ash, the twin Wyyvern Shackled-Daggers of Hell,” Mercedes moved on.

“Now what is the story, Bernard?” Woodsmann asked. “How did the Devil become a Wyyvern Knight?”

“Long ago, in the Wyyvernwriter’s first Multiverse,” Mercedes began his reply, “the Nekolich was forced to imprison the Nine, his original Lives and first resurrected Undead. Hell was the only Realm that could hold them all for eternity, but Hell was and still remains under the Devil’s control, so Stu made a deal.”

“Ah, I get it,” Woodsmann replied.

“Akiri Gen, the Wyyvern Knight of Mechanics, wielder of Helga, the Wyyvern BFG of Mechanics,” Mercedes continued on with the list.

Woodsmann chuckled, “she can work on my Mechanics anytime.”

“I’m sure she’d be happy to let Helga have you for a night,” Mercede’s reply caused Woodsmann’s irises to widen. “Playlist 48, the Wyyvern Knight and Weapon of Composer.”

“Is gonna hate the Meadhall,” Woodsmann interrupted. “No droids allowed.”

“John F. Memes, the Wyyvern Knight and Weapon of Chaos,” said Mercedes.

“Good censorship, Bernard,” replied Woodsmann.

Mercedes continued, “Mirren, the Wyyvern Knight of Patience, wielder of Agambir, the Wyyvern Walking Stick of Patience.”

“Dude just sat and watched Round 1,” Woodsmann commented. “Lazy!”

Mercedes moved on, “Amaya Breeze…”

“Is the obviously named Wyyvern Knight of Wind and wielder of Indra and Makani, the twin Wyyvern Wing-Swords of Wind,” said Woodsmann.

Mercedes glared, irritated, at his co-announcers smirk, “Ariel Douglas, the Wyyvern Knight Water, wielder of the S.S. Skippy Dinghy, the Wyyvern Submarine of Waters.”

“Makes me moist,” replied Woodsmann maintaining his smirk.

Mercedes sighed and reluctantly continued, “Filorra, the Wyyvern Knight of Nature, and wielder of Ace, the Wyyvern Spade of Nature.” This time Woodsmann did not reply. “Finally…” Mercedes sighed with relief, “Timothy Rikkun, the Wyyvern Knight of Coffee, and wielder of Marissa, the Wyyvern Mug of Coffee.”

With an already full cup of coffee, Woodsmann Hungasfu took a sip, “nope, I’m commenting on everyone today,” he was still smirking.

Mercedes slammed his face to the table he sat at, “Jain Karma Heart, the Wyyvern Knight of Drink,” he mumbled, “wielder of Wapatui, the shapeshifting Wyyvern Glass of Drink.”

“I think Mercedes needs a shot,” said Woodsmann, “or three.”

Mercedes got up and wiped his face, “Magnar Maximus, the Wyyvern Knight of Destruction, wielder of Bolas, the Wyyvern Flail of Destruction.”

“He throws Bolas in like a wrecking ball!” Woodsman sang, “wearing nothing but a skin-tight speedo! Look at all of those muscles bulging! Yeah! Bulging!”

“Zen Akira, the Wyyvern Knight of Ninjas, wielder of Emicakana, the Wyyvern Kusarigama of Ninjas,” Mercedes started.

“Carried the Knights, hardcore, in Round 1, claiming over 90,000,000 kills” Woodsmann finished.

“And the Wyyvern Knight of Law and Order, wielder of Birtha, the WYyvern Plate Armor of Law and Order, refuses to reveal his or her Identity,” said Mercedes.

“That’s our roster of Knights,” Woodsmann took over while Mercedes took shots of whiskey. “Starting our roster of Gods with Loki, the Wyyvern God of Vampirism! Wielder of Alexandra, the Wyyvern Bastard- Sword of Vampirism!” he announced. “Bellona, the Wyyvern Goddess of Wicked War! Wielder of Tzu, the Wicked Wyyvern Chain-Sword of War! Ares! the Wyyvern God of Righteous War! Wielder of Sun, the Righteous Wyyvern Chain-Sword of War! Anubis! the Wyyvern God of Death and of Life! Wielder of Chastity, the Wyyvern Scythe of Death! and of Addhar, the Wyyvern Scythe of Life! Morgana! the Wyyvern Goddess of Darkness and of Light! Wielder of Luna, the Wyyvern Ring-Blade of Darkness! and of Solara, the Wyyvern Ring-Blade of Light! Rhiannon! the Wyyvern Goddess of Deception and Anarchy, and of Pleasure! Wielder of Revelations! the rusty Wyyvern Spiked-Chain of Deception and Anarchy! and of Amitosh! the Wyyvern Whip-Sword of Pleasure! Oya! the Wyyvern Goddess of Strife! Wielder of Magnus, the Wyyvern Artillery of Strife! Set! the Wyyvern God of Famine! Wielder of Hubris! the Wyyvern Incense Burners of Famine! And we end our Godly roster with Kali! Wyyvern Goddess of the End! Wielder of Aleister Keith Dimir, the Wyyvern Dreadnautilus of the End.” He turned to Mercedes, “those shots help, Bernard?”

“Yes they did,” Mercedes replied. “One thing should be noted here. The ratio of Gods to Knights is ultimately irrelevant within the Realm of New Valhalla.”

“Correctamundo, my friend,” Woodsmann explained. “During the period before each round starts, when participating players are chosen, both the Gods and the Knights may choose non-Wyyvern players from the audience.”

“And everyone from the entire Multiverse, Living or Dead is here in New Valhalla either in the Audience or in Meadhall,” Mercedes pointed out.

“But there must always be at least one Wyyvern player on each team,” Woodsman added.

“Because if all Wyyvern players on your team are sent to the Meadhall,” explained Mercedes.

“You lose,” Woodsmann finished the sentence off. “However, your team’s total kill count can save you. Right, Bernard?”

“That’s right, which is why many of the New Valhallian Gods and Goddesses went around killing other Gods and Goddesses after retrieving one or more weapons,” Mercedes replied. “For Round 1 we will only be counting the kills made by Wyyvern Weapon wielders; the Gods landed a total of 7,000,005 Kills, and the Knights laid claim to 99,000,000 kills effectively winning Round 1.”

“With a lot of participants left standing. I guess you can’t kill em all,” Woodsman replied. “We will join our Wyyvern participants in just a hot second, but first a quick thank you to those who made all this possible.”

“In need of a crisp new website with a user-friendly interface and plenty of customization features? Or just want to blog to the world?” asked Mercedes, “Try WordPress.com! and Press your Words today!”

“Into everything? Just cannot decide what group to call your own? Why not socialize with them all? Amino! There’s one for everything,” advertised Woodsman.

“Don’t forget to follow us on Twitter! @theNekolich,” added Mercedes, “and visit our site at www.epicstu.com to keep up with our weekly episodic.”

“Happy 100th Episode!” Mercedes and Woodsmann shouted in unison.

*          *

Fists met faces and chairs shattered against backs as the Meadhall hosted a bar war that had gone on for half a drunken hour. Thor stood up from his throne and held his hammer above his head. A loud clap of Thunder followed by the King’s mighty voice saying, “Silence! You cannot die or even be harmed in the Meadhall. Eat, drink, and be merry,” he sat back down. “Conserve your energy for the next Round.”

Other than fun and wasted energy, no one saw benefit in continuing the fight further. Playlist 48 walked up to the bar, “hey, can’t you read!” a Barkeeper shouted. “No Droids allowed, you gotta wait outside. We don’t like your kind around here.”

Playlist 48 hung his head low and left the Meadhall. Meanwhile, Sullivan and Dennis sat at the infinite open bar each with there drink of choice in hand when Zesrial walked up, “We really could have used you two, what happened?”

“Flying Spaghetti Monster,” Dennis replied.

Sullivan nodded in agreement, “Amdeo was a huge help there.”

“Where is our Love Wyyvern now?” Zesrial asked.

Far off in another corner of the Meadhall; “Please Amdeo, baby, please tell me how Wyyvern Weapons work. What’s Love got to do with it, huh?” Aphrodite begged.

“Haha, listen up, girl,” Amdeo began as he started to twirl Amy. “Amy here, her and I have a special bond. We dig each other, ya dig? Right now, as I’m twirling her around with my fancy tricks she feels pleasure and, in turn, I feel the same,” he stopped mid-twirl and slammed Amy’s butt to the ground. “To put it simply, we just made love.”

Aphrodite’s eyes widened, “I must have one! I challenge you for your Wyyvern Weapon!”

After a brief discussion with Amy, “Alright, you’re on,” Amdeo agreed.

“That was fast,” said Woodsmann.

“Every challenge accepted in the Meadhall will be converted in the Arena as a Round,” announced Mercedes, “not in any exclusive order, separation, or game mode!”

“Back to the Meadhall!” Shouted Woodsmann.

The Wyyvern God of Vampirism, a tall thin well-dressed man with long flowing ginger red hair, walked up to the Wyyvern Knight of Law and Order, a tall thin heavily armored man with long flowing ginger red hair, “Loki, God of Mischief, Wyyvern God of Vampirism,” he greeted with a smile and an open hand that was not taken. “That’s a nice set of armor you have there.” The Wyyvern Knight of Law and Order stared at Loki from behind a faceless black helmet and said nothing. “I’d like to challenge you for it,” insisted Loki, but still the mysterious Knight remained silent. “I wager my Wyyvern Bastard Sword of Vampirism against your Wyyvern Plate Armor of Law and Order. Winner keeps both.” The Wyyvern Knight of Law and Order stood up, nodded in acceptance of the challenge, and walked away from Loki. “Well, you didn’t have to be weird about it,” said Loki as he sipped his drink, his pinky held out. He looked to his left and saw Morgana shivering under a blanket with a hot cup of water held in both hands, “How’d you get sent here?” he asked her.

“Lethal injection,” she replied staring straight ahead, shaking as she sipped from her cup.

Loki cocked an eyebrow “Huh, I thought that was supposed to be painles…”

“It’s not!” Morgana screamed.

“Okay,” Loki slammed his drink and got out of there fast, “sorry I asked.”

Edward saw Loki slink over to Sarah and was about to intercept him when “Wyyvern Knight of Deceit!” Thor beckoned him, “I challenge you for the right to wield Heaven.”

“What’s the challenge?” Edward inquired.

“You wielding Zesrial against myself wielding,” he paused before saying the name John F. Memes had chosen for his new hammer, “Cumulonimbus.”

Edward laughed, “She can take you and Cumulonimbus herself. If you win, can have her,” he said with the utmost confidence in Zesrial, “If she wins, you have to stay out of the rest of this tournament.” Thor thought a moment. Meanwhile…

“Ares!” Zesrial shouted. “The Spartans, I want them.”

“And you seek to challenge me for them?” Ares questioned. “I think not. However, I may consider challenging your Fox.”

“Edward?” Zesrial questioned. 

“Your Living God Fox against my 300 Spartans and their King,” Ares challenged Zesrial. “Edward wins, you get the 300 and myself. If Sparta wins, I get you both.” Zesrial thought the challenge over.

Over on the dance floor, under the DJ’s beats, Loki snuck over to Sarah, who stood off to the side. She watched them dance, “You like to dance?”

“Nope, “ Sarah replied to Loki’s advance.

“I have a challenge for you,” Loki jumped right to the point.

Sarah chuckled, “you couldn’t handle me, Mischief.”

“Oh, you won’t be fighting me,” Loki smiled. “Hephaestus sends his deepest apologies for being unable to challenge you in person. He’s been hard at work tending to New Valhalla’s engineering issues. The winner of your fight owns the loser.”

“Why me?” Sarah questioned.

“His exact words were,” Loki cleared his throat before mimicking Hephaestus’s voice, “that Vixen’s forehead could be used to hammer together masterworks almost as beautiful as she is,” they laughed together.

“I guess I could use a blacksmith. Alright, tell him I accept,” Sarah felt warm suddenly, in a comfortably safe way. She found herself unable to look directly into Loki’s eyes. 

“I’ll give him the good news,” Loki said with a smile before leaving Sarah. She watched him leave.

“Heaven and Hell!” with Set, Oya, Ares, and Bellona behind him, Anubis issued his challenge. “We the New Horsemen of the Apocalypse challenge you!”

Zesrial and Edward looked at each other and then looked at Anubis, “One condition,” said Zesrial, “you bring Aleister into the fight.”

“The Wyyvern Dreadnautilus of Fate, Ha!” Anubis laughed, “he works for us.”

“Edward and I will board the S.S. Skippy Dinghy, while you and your horsemen board the Dreadnautilus. Then we race,” Zesrial suggested. “To the victors go the vehicles and everyone within.”

“With all of us on board, the Dreadnautilus will have more than enough power to outrun the tiny Wyyvern Submarine,” Ares, whispered into Anubis’s ear.

“Very well,” Anubis replied foolishly. “We accept your terms.”

Amidst all the commotion Dionysus tapped Jain K. Heart on her shoulder as he wabbled trying to keep his drunken balance, “I ch…challenge y…you to a Drinking competition” he hiccuped. “The winner, ‘hic’, gets Wapa… Wapo… Wapee… Oh, sod it all, the Wyyvern Glass of Drink,” he belched the last word of his sentence.

“I accept your challenge,” Jain belched back loudly knocking Dionysus to the ground.

“Stupendifferous!” Dionysus shouted before passing out on the Meadhall’s floor.

Agni suddenly appeared behind Brek, “Brek Chesler, I…”

“Yeah yeah, I accept your challenge. Now loosen up and have some Fireball,” Brek replied as he forced the whiskey down Agni’s throat.

Akiri Gen cheered, “That’s how you party with the enemy! Want a drink, Ariel?”

“I’ve never really had any alcohol before,” Ariel replied.

“Well, you gotta try a little,” said Akiri, “Come on, just one shot? Please.”

Ariel took the shot glass Akiri handed her, “Skipper’s gonna be mad,” and drank it.

Trace watched the challenges unfold while Q, only able to be heard by Trace, raddled off his own commentary, roasting everyone in the Meadhall one witty inappropriate comment at a time. Risen and Fallen rolled around on the ground beating the tar out of himself while viciously arguing with himself aloud. They rolled into Apollo making him miss his dart throw, “Damn it, now I’ll never catch up to Zen.”

“あなたが始めるチャンスがあったように,” laughed Zen as he threw his three darts simultaneously without looking. Each hit the bullseye and split the previous dart.

“That’s another for Zen!” Timothy shouted. As the soberest in the group, he kept score. “Apollo, drink!”

Barely able to stand anymore, Apollo slammed his shot, “we aren’t done here. It’s my turn,” he took three steps forward and fell flat on his face.

“Looks like fun!” said Filorra, “Mind if I take next round?”

“Look, Zen here has…” Timothy was interrupted by three thuds.

Filorra smiled, having hit the bullseye with all three, “Yeah, he’s good, but… I think I’m better,” she grinned competitively toward Zen.

Zen smiled back, “我々は見るであろう.”

Zeus and Magnar sat across from each other locked in an epic arm wrestle. “Nice physique,” Magnar complimented, “you Gods sure no how to work out.”

“Do you always only wear a speedo,” Zeus questioned.

“Don’t diss the leopard print,” Magnar replied. “Tis classic,” still holding his own in the arm wrestle, he posed for the word, classic.”

“No,” Zeus replied. “That is classic,” he said referring to a piano playing a familiar tune accompanied by a harmonica.

Rock’s voice sang into his microphone as he played, “It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday…”

Rhiannon stared longingly not at Rock, but at his stage, Roll, “I must have it,” she thought to herself as Rock sang into Roll’s microphone.

“With that, our challenges are in,” Mercedes announced.

“Will the Knights of Wyyvern reclaim the Wyyvern Weapons lost to the Gods? What ever happend to Ilean? And why would Edward and Zesrial want to challenge the Fates to a race? For the Answers to these and many other questions, join us next time for another exciting episode of Dra…” Coughs, “I mean, The Wyyvern Knight Volume 1!” Woodsmann shouted enthusiastically.